Film at 11

behavior modification

I received this email earlier in the day from a friend. I have forwarded it on to my printer. I am hoping that it does the trick.

The message reads:

Dear Meredith's Printer and associated print software and print utilities:

Please be good to Meredith. Please print all of her print needs quickly, cleanly and without error messages.

Meredith is on a very important mission at CUMC-HMB and she needs all of the support she can get, even from machines!

Meredith is a very good person. Be good to her and she will be good to you.

If you work well for her, she will repay you by regularly restocking you with fresh, unwrinkled paper for a jam-free experience, AND she will also give you access to a virtual fountain of youth by replenishing you with new waters of colored inks so that you will function as well as you did in your youth!

To paraphrase the Blues Brothers, Meredith is on a mission from God.

Thank you.

cooking with jalapenos

I am sick. When I am sick, I make chicken soup. When I make chicken soup, I use lots of onion. However, I am out of onion, so this time, I decided to use jalapenos instead. (When I don't cook my own chicken soup, I go to Pho To Chau for some Vietnamese chicken soup, and it has jalapenos). I'd never tried it, but I figured it was worth a shot.

I removed all the seeds as I was chopping the jalapeno. I'd never cooked with them before, but I knew the seeds were the spicy part. I also knew you shouldn't touch your eyes after you'd touched jalapenos because the juice would sting you pretty badly. I knew this. Only I forgot.

Jalapenos hurt. They _really_ hurt. I put some milk on a paper towel, soaked my eyes, then scrubbed my hands as hard as I could.

Only I didn't get all the juice off.

Now, anything that wasn't covered in really thick layers of skin is stinging from jalapeno juice. I took a shower, thinking that would help, and got jalapeno juice on my scrubbrush. You know how drinking water after eating spicy food helps spread the spice? It turns out that's true, even outside your mouth.

Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow.

And I'm _still_ sick.

in contrast to my husband

You belong in the Cat Who Walks Through Walls. You
are creative and cunning. Your works often
feel empty to you, though others love them.
You suspect that the universe and everyone in
it are just characters in someone else's story.


Which Heinlein Book Should You Have Been A Character In?
brought to you by Quizilla

This one I liked. Mainly because nobody was having sex with their siblings.

I'm not IM

Instant messaging bewilders me.

Thanks to my new job, I have decided to open up three new IM accounts -- AOL, Yahoo, and MSN. (For those interested, the login for all three is some combination of my first and last names). They are easy to use. I can contact friends and spouses with silly comments throughout the day. It is a pleasant distraction, as well as a quick and easy way to ask questions like, "Can you pick up some milk on your way home?"

That's not the bewildering part.

What bewilders me is how teenagers view IM as a social activity. They can be in a roomful of people, instant messaging far away friends, and consider it a social activity, as in "What should we do tonight? I know, let's go to the computer lab and instant message a bunch of other people." The idea that the way to spend quality time with your friends is by talking to other people who aren't in the room rather than to each other is strange. It offends me, and it makes me feel old.

Don't even get me STARTED on cell phones.

So, look for me online, but if someone else is in my office, expect to be ignored. I'll choose faces over screen names any day.

anchan reigns supreme

My name is more famous than I thought!

On last night's episode of "Law and Order," there was a character named Harry Anchan! He was played by (I think) the guy who played Newman on 'Seinfeld' and he was a porno king. His son, Jared, was trying to get into an exclusive kindergarten, so Harry Anchan bribed the headmaster. The 'Law and Order' fan site spelled the name 'anchin,' but they don't know what they're talking about.

deja move

My sister has a new job.

After she got her master's, she did some work in Los Angeles at the Hollywood Bowl. (Los Angeles is where I was born and where my parents bought their first house).

After a brief stint at the Bowl, she got her current job at Ravinia, the summer music festival in Chicago. (Chicago is where my sister was born, two years after me).

She has just found out the exciting news that she will be Manager of Artists and Programs for the New Jersey Symphony. (New Jersey is where I started kindergarten).

If anybody learns of any jobs at the Kansas City Symphony, let me know. Only three more jobs until my sister winds up back in California!

the book of if

I have decided that 'The Book of If' is an excellent conversation starter. This book, which I picked up at Powell's for two dollars, has questions that only start with if, for example, "If you could eliminate one insect from the earth forevermore, which one would you choose?" The most popular choices so far include wasps, mosquitos, and ticks.

Also, we learned that leeches are not an insect.

So, gentle readers, send in your own favorite 'if' question, and we'll add it to the book. The next time I'm teaching ESL, this book will definitely be used to teach the conditional. Sigh. If only I were still able to teach the subjunctive. ..

Get it?

bad day, good day

A bad day is when you oversleep because you worked until 10 the night before. A bad day is when you realize that by oversleeping, you will be late to the staff meeting at your new job. A bad day is when you rush to the staff meeting without showering or eating only to discover the staff meeting has been cancelled. A bad day is when you discover that the staff meeting has been cancelled because your boss, who is roaring your name at the top of his lungs, is too grumpy to lead it.

A good day is when your friend takes you to lunch at a new restaurant and picks up the tab. A good day is when someone you like stops by your office for no reason. A good day is when your elders spend three hours imparting their wisdom while you frantically scribble notes. A good day is when spinach is delivered. A good day is when you have a roasted red pepper to go with the spinach. A good day is a husband who feeds you ice cream at the end of what looked like a very bad day.

pacman fever

A kid in my youth group, having recently gotten a mohawk, has decided to augment his rebellion with a tattoo. For his birthday this weekend, his father took him to the tattoo parlor. Since they learned it is illegal under any circumstances for minors to get tattoos in California, they drove to Tahoe. (Now that's a devoted parent!)

Know what he got?

This kid, who was born in 1987, got a Pacman eating power pellets as a tattoo. It encircles his right bicep.

Know what inspired it?

Penny Arcade.

This is the same kid who just ate a flaming marshmallow to see what it would feel like going down. (The answer was 'not good'.)

I _love_ this kid.

ode to wienerschnitzel

Wienerschnitzel,
O Wienerschnitzel
How I will miss you.

You were so trashy
And your chili dogs,
eaten only on the day I was moving
to the new house,
Tasted like ground shoe leather

I ogled you from afar,
Your h hanging so seductively
From your burned out sign

And now, on this,
Your closing day,
I say to you, o wienerschnitzel

I bid you peace
On your journey
To the hipster-free main street
in the sky

I'm back, folks!